Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I've been slacking on my posts lately and I'm sorry... sort of.

There is something else you should know about me, something important. You need to know because it's going to affect my posts.

It's really a few things all twisted up into one.

First, for some reason (and it's always been like this for me) I only write in my journal - you know, Dear Diary, blah,blah...- when I am "worked up" about something. It's kind of sad, really, to look back through my half-empty journal and only be able to read about those times in my life. It's just one of my quirks.

Second, I'm not always mad about the hoarding. Seriously! I go in cycles. Every three months or so it just seems to hit me full force. I get really mad at first, my Sis and I talk it over (every day for a couple of weeks). I stalk around, I "purge" (clean out MY house, because I can), sometimes I try to talk to Mom and try to "save" her. And then,after I realize the hopelessness of the situation, the feelings just kind of dissipate. Afterwords, I distance myself from the hoarding - not only physically, but mentally as well. I pretend it doesn't even exist!

Third (and last), I started this blog during one of those aforementioned times. This past week I was in the process of distancing myself, when I realized that maybe this time I shouldn't.

Maybe I feel so split (that whole "double identity" thing), because I am unwilling to blend my two selves together. Does that make sense? When I am focused on the hoarding issues, I don't allow myself to feel happy and lead a normal life. I don't even think of myself in positive terms, it seems I can't do anything right. And when I am done with that and ready to move on, I don't allow myself to acknowlegde the negative influence of my Mom's hoarding and my past.

I ignore it completely, pretend it's all good. Move on with my life for a time.

But it never really goes away. Hence the "cycles".

(I find this all very ironic having just finished reading "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer - read it and you'll see what I mean) I just had to throw that in.

So I'm going to continue to post. And I'm going to face things this time. I'm going to find my peace of mind. I'm going to finish what I've started and figure out the answers. I'm going to...

go clean the kitchen.