Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Answers...

I've been slacking on my posts lately and I'm sorry... sort of.

There is something else you should know about me, something important. You need to know because it's going to affect my posts.

It's really a few things all twisted up into one.

First, for some reason (and it's always been like this for me) I only write in my journal - you know, Dear Diary, blah,blah...- when I am "worked up" about something. It's kind of sad, really, to look back through my half-empty journal and only be able to read about those times in my life. It's just one of my quirks.

Second, I'm not always mad about the hoarding. Seriously! I go in cycles. Every three months or so it just seems to hit me full force. I get really mad at first, my Sis and I talk it over (every day for a couple of weeks). I stalk around, I "purge" (clean out MY house, because I can), sometimes I try to talk to Mom and try to "save" her. And then,after I realize the hopelessness of the situation, the feelings just kind of dissipate. Afterwords, I distance myself from the hoarding - not only physically, but mentally as well. I pretend it doesn't even exist!

Third (and last), I started this blog during one of those aforementioned times. This past week I was in the process of distancing myself, when I realized that maybe this time I shouldn't.

Maybe I feel so split (that whole "double identity" thing), because I am unwilling to blend my two selves together. Does that make sense? When I am focused on the hoarding issues, I don't allow myself to feel happy and lead a normal life. I don't even think of myself in positive terms, it seems I can't do anything right. And when I am done with that and ready to move on, I don't allow myself to acknowlegde the negative influence of my Mom's hoarding and my past.

I ignore it completely, pretend it's all good. Move on with my life for a time.

But it never really goes away. Hence the "cycles".

(I find this all very ironic having just finished reading "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer - read it and you'll see what I mean) I just had to throw that in.

So I'm going to continue to post. And I'm going to face things this time. I'm going to find my peace of mind. I'm going to finish what I've started and figure out the answers. I'm going to...

go clean the kitchen.

Later...

4 comments:

Lex said...

Jamie,

I just wanted to "stick my head in" and let you know that I found your blog last week and have been reading it ever since. I'm the daughter of a CH myself, and I totally and completely relate to everything you're saying here.

:-)

Eva, Sweden said...

I found your blog today and I'm glad i did.
My mom is a hoarder too and I go in cycles just like you. Sometimes I´m okay, but other times I'm really upset and almost frightend beacause I can't understand it. I wnat to stop her. I'm trying to help her and as you say "save" her. But you can of course not change a person if they don't want to change. It's all very exhausting.

Anonymous said...

i really really wish you would update your blog- it would mean the world!

YOu have a gift in writing. follow it.

cj4209 said...

April 2009 - I can totally relate to all of this. My 88 yr.old mother has hoarded herself out of the 3 bedroom ranch house where I grew up, including the garage, and now a two bedroom apartment and garage next door to it that she owns and could be renting out IF she would/could clean it out and clean out her original house and move back over there. This, of course, will not happen in her lifetime. I live out of state and have offered to close my office and come for 2 wks if she will cooperate and let me help her clean out. She gets very upset at the mention of this. "I knew you would attack me about this when you came home." She has now fallen a couple of times in the snow shovel width path from the door to the living room, kitchen,bathroom. She sleeps on the couch after she moves piles of papers away. Cant use the tables, chairs, bedrooms, tub or shower as they now hold clothes horse of clothes with the shower rod full of hanging clothes. She bathes by sponge baths. She cannot let repairmen in or anyone else. When I come to visit I have to stay at my brother's house. There is not even a empty chair to sit in when I see her at her apartment. One chair is broken beyond repair but it holds piles of papers so she will not let us take it away. It is always NO NO NO when we ask to help her, and excuses that she will get to it someday. My brother just says not to push her, she is happy the way she is and if she falls again, she does not have far to fall as the junk is waist high and will catch her. If she ever became bedridden, no aides etc could come there, so he said he would just take her to his house if need be. Meanwhile she pays heat and utilities and even phones for both places. She could be getting about $800 a month rent for the apt if she were not caught up in this disease. I hate to go there because it is so upsetting to see the way she lives. IT is really hard to pretend things are ok and not say anything. Last spring I did and she became so upset that she would not speak to me for two days of my 6 day trip of over 800 miles that I only do 1-2 times a year. I also became very angry with her and even said at one point that "things are more important than people to you" since we cannot stay with her or have meals there or anything. I am sick of it and I get so stressed out thinking about it. She lives alone with only my brother in the same town to watch out for her, take her to appts, etc. It has upset him so much that he has had alcohol and drug problems in the past, as well as depression. I wish I could do more but she refuses any help. It is comforting in a way, to read how so many others are in exactly the same situation. cj4209