Shhhh... don't tell

There is a part of my life I keep secret. It’s not a fun secret either (I’m no Hanna Montana) my secret is more complicated than just a double life. Wanna know what it is? Wait, I’m not ready to tell -and yet… I am. I’m tired of keeping this secret. I need to vent, to share, to open up, to SCREAM, and… I need validation. Maybe I’m not crazy, maybe I’m not alone, maybe, just maybe there are others like me who are keeping the same secret. O.K. I’m definitely being a little overdramatic here, and also a little untruthful. I happen to know already that there are others who suffer as I do. I found an online support group a while back and every now and then I get on and vent. The thing is, the group is prohibited to outsiders. Only people possessing the same secret are allowed, this makes it a nice safe, comfortable environment for us to share with each other. And I like it, I need it, sometimes I crave it (does that make me crazy?), just knowing that there are others out there who suffer as I do makes me feel more "normal". And believe me the people are like me - A LOT like me, and like me they hide their secret from those around them. Sometimes when I am reading one of their posts I have to keep glancing down to see the author, because I could have sworn it was written by me.

What I really want to know is what would happen if the so called “normal” people really knew about me (about people like me) and my struggles with this “secret”. What if everyday, run of the mill people could "walk a mile in our shoes"? What if they delved a little deeper than those so called television specials that highlight people's secrets for shock value, for the fabulous quick fix, for the before and after (but not really after) so we can boost our ratings factor.

So I'm starting this blog to write about my secret. I have another blog, it’s the one about my “real” life - the hubby, the kids, the daily grind of motherhood. It’s for my family, my friends, the in-laws, and people from my past who might want to see me now. That blog is about letting people who know me see my wonderful life. It is for everyone to look and say "Hey, she still looks good, I can't believe she's had four kids" and "What a lovely little life she has carved out for herself". Oh and let's not forget "Everything she does looks so perfect, I wish I could be her". Of course I'm not telling any of those people about this blog... not yet anyway. This blog will be reserved solely for my secret, how to cope daily with it, how to overcome it (if that's even remotely possible), and most importantly how to merge my two selves into one well adjusted, comfortable in my own shoes kind of self! It should be an interesting sojourn, and I long for some company. Please feel free to join me.

Oh yeah, oops... I almost forgot to tell you my secret, here goes [me taking a deep breath] ...
I grew up as a child of an obsessive compulsive hoarder and I struggle daily with many, many insecurities and leftover issues.

Yes, just like those "crazy" people you've seen on Oprah. I'm one of them, or rather I'm a product of one of them. This is about me and my so called "double" life. I think I'll leave it at that for today, I need a little space (something I didn't get much of as a child).