My Precious...

There is so much of my Mother's story being told in this picture, where to begin...


Let's start with the T.V. You see it there in the middle, all duct taped up? This is a classic example of my Mom's thriftiness (and unwillingness to throw anything out). You probably can't see the holes in the front of it where the buttons have been broken off. We used to have to poke inside those with a pencil to be able to change the channels and change the volume. We had to do this because the remote was always lost (naturally). Fortunately my Mom came up with a solution; she affixed a string to the remote and then superglued it to the armchair! This worked until the batteries ran out and then no one ever got around to replacing them... and then we were back to the pencils.


Now let's take a look at all the videos over on the right side of the pic. See those? These are a testament to my Mom's total addiction to free or almost free deals. Who has videos still? My Mom, of course! Did you know that people are practically giving those things away at yard sales? And my Mom is out there snapping them all up, what a bargain!


Over on the right of the entertainment center are her most "precious" things. These are valued more than most things piled up around the house (if that's possible). How do I know this? They actually have a "place", a permanent spot, if you will. Everything else in the house is subject to churning (moving from one place to another). You would think that I would be happy about these things having a "spot" and all... but I'm not.


These "precious" things are mostly little trinkets brought by different family members from far away places and some treasured keepsakes from my Mom's past. None of them are worth much monetarily (the usual souveneir type junk), but to my Mom they might as well be Faberge eggs. I know that everyone has stuff like this and it's normal to hold things with sentimental value in higher esteem. But these types of things to a hoarder like my Mom can be taken to a whole new level.


Case in point... There are a couple of lovely little nesting dolls from Russia in the case. Naturally the grandkids gravitate towards these, what kid wouldn't? I remember playing with a set of nesting dolls at my Grandma's when I was little. It's a very pleasant memory. Here's what my Mom's grandchildren get to remember: My Mom throwing an absolute tantrum, because the kids got the dolls out (without permission of course - because my Mom would never let them touch them) and one of the smallest dolls (smaller than your thumbnail, I think) got stepped on. Mom went on and on and on about how special these dolls were and how they were absolutely irreplaceable and the kids are NEVER to get into that case... blah... blah... The overall result being that the grandkids now know (just like we did when we were kids) that "things" are more important to grandma then they (the kids) are.

I know my Mom didn't intend for that to be the result. But that's how it is.

That's how it's always been...

It's one of the things that bothers me the most about this "hoarding" disease. It's hard to know where I stand with my Mom. She is such a kind and caring person otherwise that it is difficult to imagine that she actually values the "stuff" filling up her house more than she does her own children. But I've seen her freak out one too many times to not believe it. I'm so confused. I don't know where I fit in to her value system and that hurts.

Just another day...

It's Father's Day.

My parents live about a minute and a half from my house.

And I haven't even gone over to wish my Dad Happy Father's Day... sigh

I really, really, REALLY, don't want to go over there and have to see the mess.

It's one thing to hear about it (which I have from other family members), it's another thing entirely to have to hang out in it! I know exactly what will happen if we show up on the doorstep...

First Mom will make a whole bunch of excuses as to "why" the house looks the way it does (as if it doesn't ALWAYS look that way). Mostly things like, "Your Father needs to take care of his stuff" (five of the five hundred things in the front room belong to my Dad), or maybe "I haven't been feeling all that well" (which seems to occur every time she even thinks about cleaning), or a favorite of mine, "I've just been so busy cleaning the [fill in the blank] that I haven't had time to clean up in here". Keep in mind that "cleaning" means moving things from one room to another, thus giving one room the appearance of being clean while simultaneously piling things to the ceiling in another. I really hate it when she makes it excuses. I think she really believes what she is saying, and that makes me sad... and mad.

Sometimes, I find myself making excuses. It's ingrained in me. I usually force myself to stop (before I start to sound crazy, I hope). But I digress...

As she is rattling off excuses she will start shuffling things about in a mad rush, moving papers from one surface to another, clearing a couple of spots to sit down. I will hold the baby on my lap because it is too unsafe to let her toddle about in the crap and all the other kids will head outside (thank heavens) to play... wait a minute!

HOLD EVERYTHING!

I haven't been over to Mom's since the seasons changed! It turns out we can go over to see my parents today. You see, when the weather is decent we all sit and visit out in the shade of the tree out front. In the summer and early fall, people visiting my parents don't actually have to be subjected to the mess, the excuse making, the overall craziness! It's peaceful and relaxed, almost normal!

Well, I had better go get the kids ready!

Answers...

I've been slacking on my posts lately and I'm sorry... sort of.

There is something else you should know about me, something important. You need to know because it's going to affect my posts.

It's really a few things all twisted up into one.

First, for some reason (and it's always been like this for me) I only write in my journal - you know, Dear Diary, blah,blah...- when I am "worked up" about something. It's kind of sad, really, to look back through my half-empty journal and only be able to read about those times in my life. It's just one of my quirks.

Second, I'm not always mad about the hoarding. Seriously! I go in cycles. Every three months or so it just seems to hit me full force. I get really mad at first, my Sis and I talk it over (every day for a couple of weeks). I stalk around, I "purge" (clean out MY house, because I can), sometimes I try to talk to Mom and try to "save" her. And then,after I realize the hopelessness of the situation, the feelings just kind of dissipate. Afterwords, I distance myself from the hoarding - not only physically, but mentally as well. I pretend it doesn't even exist!

Third (and last), I started this blog during one of those aforementioned times. This past week I was in the process of distancing myself, when I realized that maybe this time I shouldn't.

Maybe I feel so split (that whole "double identity" thing), because I am unwilling to blend my two selves together. Does that make sense? When I am focused on the hoarding issues, I don't allow myself to feel happy and lead a normal life. I don't even think of myself in positive terms, it seems I can't do anything right. And when I am done with that and ready to move on, I don't allow myself to acknowlegde the negative influence of my Mom's hoarding and my past.

I ignore it completely, pretend it's all good. Move on with my life for a time.

But it never really goes away. Hence the "cycles".

(I find this all very ironic having just finished reading "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer - read it and you'll see what I mean) I just had to throw that in.

So I'm going to continue to post. And I'm going to face things this time. I'm going to find my peace of mind. I'm going to finish what I've started and figure out the answers. I'm going to...

go clean the kitchen.

Later...

Why indeed...

Why?

Why, if I don't live there anymore, does my Mother's "mess" bother me so much?

Why do I let her hoarding affect my decision making? i.e. I'd rather throw [any item] out now than end up like my Mother.

Why am I so angry about something I have no control over?

Why doesn't Mom's hoarding seem to affect my brothers like it does my sister and I?

Why can't my Mom share her feelings with me, or anyone else for that matter?

Why did God allow this to happen to our family?

Why is there no cure for hoarding?

Why am I so scared to let people know the truth?

Why am I terrified that my children will somehow "catch" it?

Why do I keep "cleaning out" my Mom's place when I know that it won't last?

Why am I keeping a record of this unpleasant aspect of my life?

Why do I care when it seems that no one else around me does?

Why can't my Mom just be "normal" (if there is such a thing)?

Why can't I find the answers I need to get on with my life?

Why me?

Why this?

Why?

Environ{mentally} conscious...

(From Wikipedia)
"While there is no definition of compulsive hoarding in accepted diagnostic criteria (such as the current DSM), Frost and Hartl (1996) provide the following defining features:
*The acquisition of, and failure to discard, a large number of possessions that appear to be useless or of limited value
*Living spaces sufficiently cluttered so as to preclude activities for which those spaces were designed
*Significant distress or impairment in functioning caused by the hoarding
*Reluctance or inability to return borrowed items"

Here is an example of the second feature described above...

This is the bathtub/shower in the downstairs bathroom at my parents house...

Needless to say it is unusable and has been for a couple of years now.

In the bathroom upstairs it's a whole different story.

This is a picture of the toilet. Mom says it doesn't flush very well (meaning "not at all"), since calling in a plumber is not an option (too expensive, but what she really means is too embarrassing) - my Mom came up with her own solution!

See the buckets of water in the pictures? There are more in the shower. My mom just uses the water in those to flush the toilet. Another excuse for this is "saving money by reusing the shower water".
Crazy or Genius?

You tell me...

The 3 P's

I'm heading out of town this weekend (a romantic getaway), YAY! So don't expect any new posts for a couple of days.

I've been contacted by a woman writing a book on helping hoarders. The author is a certified professional organizer. She wrote:

Hi Jamie,

Thanks so much for getting back to me. I am an organizer and have been working "organizing" hoarders since the mid 90's. At the end of the decade I was ready to abandon the effort as hopeless. Then I stumbled onto a process that actually worked. I would not work with them until they were getting emotional support from a therapist who was familar with attachment issues, OCD and hopefully hoarding. Out of the grew a protocol we call "Collaborative Therapy for Clutter Management" - check out my web site to see more about it.

So now I'm co-authoring a book directed at clueing organizers in on the whole complex tangled web of hoarding. I have been so impressed with COH and the work Donna is doing and asked her for some imput for the book. She suggested I throw the topic out to all of you.

Some questions that spring to mind are: (my answers are in green)

1) What would you like the readers to better understand about your experiences growing up in a hoarding household?

2) Do you struggle with the same clutter issues - or are you a perfectionist/purger?
I struggle in SO many different ways, but I think the main things can be summed up with "perfectionist/purger" and let's not forget "procrastinator"! I just call them the 3 P's, let's talk about them.

First, if things aren't perfect and it looks like I'm not going to get them to be perfect - then I just ignore it completely. It's all or nothing with me. For example, I live in an older home which we are remodeling one room at a time. I have no problem keeping the "newly remodeled" rooms clean and organized. But the older rooms are easy for me to ignore because even when they are "clean" they don't look it (old stains, permanently dirty looking trim, etc...). I know I do this and I drive myself crazy, and yet I can't seem to help myself.

Then comes the procrastinating. I let little things go over time ("I'll get to that later" kind of stuff) until they become big things. I let stuff build up over time and then I look around and see that I've got myself quite a mess! (especially paperwork, it's so easy for me to just stick it in the office with the mentality of taking care of it later).

Than comes the purge! This is where I truly separate myself from a hoarder , I can get rid of stuff with the best of 'em! I only learned one way to "clean" when I was growing up, (it was more like a self taught method when I think about it) but it goes like this...

Push/throw everything into a big HUGE pile in the center of the room. I mean everything, empty out drawers, clear every space! This leaves the outer areas clear and gives you a little space to work with (important if you live with a hoarder because there is usually no real assigned place to put anything so you've got to make some). Then you throw away as much as possible and sort through what is left, finding places around the room to put the stuff.

I never consciously realized the aforementioned method until I found myself explaining to my kids the best way to clean their disaster we like to call our playroom the other day. That is the only room in my house that I would ever allow to reach this point, kids will be kids (right?).

3) How can we help to break the cycle of hoarding? What long term support would be most helpful for you and your family?

4) What are your opinions about "shoveling it all out"/abatements, versus our collaborative therapy approach of supporting the clients emotionally, or another process that has made any real lasting change - if you know anything else, let us know!?

5) Family members can be a strong and important element in our support system. How can we maximize that?

Please don't feel you have to answer every question or if you have some idea or insight I haven't hit upon, talk about that. I will be referring to these responses in the book as coming generically from a COH and can make them as anonymous as you like.

Many thanks,
Heidi Schulz

Heidi Schulz, CPO-CD
Collaborative Therapy for Clutter Management
e-mail: info@heidischulz.com
www.heidischulz.com
805/569-5288

I'm still working on the rest of my answers. Right now I've got to get packed, as usual I've waited 'till the last minute!

An unwelcome sight...

This is pretty much the view you get of the entrance of most of the rooms at Mom's place...

This one happens to be my brothers' old bedroom (the one with all the food storage in it).