Heaven and Hell...

I want to try something a little different today.

I'm going to tell you about my Mom. But it's not what you're thinking...

I want you to know a little more about her than the one aspect, hoarding, for which I have dedicated this blog.

I want you to see that hoarders are people too. There is more to them than just the mess that you can see.

My Mom is kind, in fact she's just plain sweet. She's one of those people who others would find it difficult to dislike. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body.

She is honest. In fact, she refuses to lie. It's funny when she is trying to keep a secret (like what she is giving you for your birthday or something along those lines) if you confront her, she gets this deer in the headlights look and tries to avert the question. It makes me laugh every time.

If you need something my Mom will drop everything to take care of you. In a crisis, she is the person to have around.

She is an amazing Grandma. She goes out of her way to make all her grandchildren feel special. When she babysits, she has a special bag filled with things for the kids and they LOVE it.

My Mom is very religious. She is a big believer in prayer and I have seen her prayers work miracles. She is never short on faith.

When I was growing up, my Mom stayed home to be with us kids. She baked homemade bread and she sewed our clothes to save money. My Dad was a schoolteacher and never made a lot of money, but we always managed because my Mom was determined to do what she felt was right in raising her children. I admire her courage and respect her decision as I now look back with a new perspective as a mother myself.

There is so much more that I can't put on this page, but I just wanted you to see that hoarders are not bad people.

Of course, that just makes it all the more confusing growing up the way I did..

You see it don't you? The problem?

Here is this practically angelic mother trying to teach us about honesty and other important life lessons, trying her very best to give us everything she felt we needed, all the while living in an environment that can only be described as hellish.

And therein lies the issue...


A picture of the kitchen counter... or maybe it's more a picture of what's on the kitchen counter.

It's all about your point of view...

I've been contemplating what to post today and I'm having difficulties. Not because I'm having trouble coming up with anything to write about. On the contrary, I just have so much in my head I'm finding it difficult to sort out just one topic.

My sister and I talk daily. Not always about hoarding (thank goodness), but it does come up quite a bit as we are both working our way through the issues that come with growing up the way we did.

I always find it interesting that she and I see things so differently. We can be discussing the same incident in our past and find that it affected us each in a different way.

For example, I "like" to go in and do the clean outs at Mom's (when she isn't there). When I see the huge mess in front of me and I know that the one obstacle to clearing it is out of the way (my Mom), I feel energized! I dig in and as I throw things out, I feel purged, refreshed...

I just feel good. I know that as the clean up goes on I will tire of it, but I will use humor to get past that. I know that eventually my Mom will come home and freak out and just end up messing it all up again, but I feel justified. I feel like I've made a difference.

On the other hand, my Sister (whom I always drag there to be with me) looks at it and she feels something else entirely. Anxiety starts to kick in, she starts to panic she says she wants to scream and cry and never come back again. She starts to feel hate towards my Mom and the way we were raised. She always says she can't take it and swears she will never do it again.

It happens that way every time and I just don't get it. But I guess, she doesn't get me, either.

I think it's interesting that we were raised in the same house, with the same mother, and for the most part (we are just two years apart) experienced the same things. Yet, we ended up so unalike. That's not to say that we don't have similarities, because we do. But we each reacted differently to the hoard.

And that's made all the difference.

I'm toying with the idea of recording our phone conversations on hoarding and posting them on here weekly (with my Sister's permission). I just haven't figured out how to make that work yet.

Avoidance...

I've caught a nasty bug and have spent most of the day in bed, so this post will be short and to the point.

Quote of the day...

"Along with difficulties in throwing things away, compulsive hoarders have severe difficulties with making decisions, perfectionism, and avoiding tasks.People with compulsive hoarding syndrome do not like to make mistakes. In order to prevent making a mistake, they will avoid making or postpone decisions."-Karron Maidment RN, M.A.Behavior Therapist-UCLA OCD,Intensive Treatment Program

Picture of the day... my Mom's office.

Ancient History...

This is a copy of my very first post on the Children of Hoarders private yahoo group. I posted it on July 5th, 2006:

Hi, I am new to this site. I've known for the last few years that my Mom has this "hoarding" sickness. She's always had it, it was just a few years ago that my Dad heard a radio show describing the symptoms and we gave my Mom's mess a name. Anyways, about 3 years ago my Mom went out of town for a couple of months... Can you guess what we did while she was away? That's right, we cleaned! We removed over 60 large truckloads of stuff to the dump and goodwill. Keep in mind this is about a 1600 sq. ft home (not big). We found out what color the carpet was downstairs, my brothers at home were able to use the shower upstairs for the first time in their lives, all the cupboards, drawers, and doors were actually able to close,and we were even able to get into one of the forbidden rooms (had to break the lock) and climb over mountains of papers and old bills,ads, etc... We found skeletons of mice, moldy food and other gross things in every room. We organized what was left and this took forever, because knowing my Mom's issues and wanting to be thorough not random, we had to sort through EACH and EVERY item in the house before throwing it out. I foolishly thought that this way I would be able to assure my mother that nothing precious was lost!!!! For about a month, it was heaven at home... My brothers had friends over for the first time in their lives. We ate in the kitchen -together! We didn't have to hold our breath in the bathrooms. We even remodeled one bathroom and replaced all the carpet downstairs. Any and all repairs that had been waiting "for the house to be clean" so someone could come take a look, were taken care of. Then my Mom came home from her vacation. She seemed calm and happy at first, then about 2 weeks later she freaked! She called me everyday ranting about this or that thing which she was sure I had thrown out. Within a month it looked as if we had never cleaned. Now 3yrs later, the phone calls have slowed but the blame has never gone away. Until the day she dies, my Mother will blame the loss of every little thing on me (because it was my idea, I have all the blame, my siblings have even tried to tell her that they were there too - but she only blames me) My Dad actually thinks it's funny now and has managed to turn this to his advantage many a time something went missing he has said "Jamie must have thrown it out". This is even more funny considering that it was something bought or acquired AFTER the "purge"! Humor is our only defense against this disease or whatever it is and has gotten us this far. Well, enough rambling I hope you have gotten this far in the message because here's where I need a little advice. My Dad was over yesterday and said he is taking Mom away for a week. You see where I'm going with this? My sister and I plan on taking on the one room we never dared set foot,not even 3 yrs ago, the food storage room. There is food as old as I am (30) in there. We have never dared go there before because my Mom hoards food storage and emergency items (for the end of the world or some foretold catastrophic event) religiously. This is the BIG one for her, when the earthquake or whatever it is comes she will be ready! The only problem is, the food will probably kill her it is so old and bug/rodent infested. That's the main reason we are going in now, my Dad says there is a serious mice infestation going on down there and it needs to be taken care of. My mom's health is connected with the mess somehow and lately she hasn't been doing to well. This is why I'm a little worried about doing this, what could happen to her? Could she have a mental breakdown? She always wants me to "help" her clean, but on her terms - I always refuse because that's when she exhibits all her CRAZY symptoms and nothing ever actually gets cleaned, just moved to another place in the house. HELP!

Back to the present. Here's somthing of interest... my Mom still blames me for any and every little thing she cannot find, whether real or imagined.

I've gotten used to it.

What I haven't gotten used to is realizing my Mom is "different". I really try not to use the "crazy" word (it slips out when I get really heated though), I don't really feel comfortable using that word to describe mental illness anymore. And part of me worries that I might be "crazy" too. I mean I've watched my Mom gradually fall deeper into this condition, and I look around and see my messy office and wonder if, any 30 years, I won't end up just like that.

Then I remember that my Sister and I have a pact. If either one of us starts to exhibit symptoms of "hoarding", the other will intervene. My sister told me that her form of intervention will probably include burning my house down when I'm not home... NICE! But, also something I've dreamed about happening to my Mom's place.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT, but hey a girl can dream.

Ummm, where was I? Oh yeah, I've got a whole little intervention plan worked out in the event that my Sis turns to the darkside. But, that's for another day...

Sticky Situation...

I just saw this on YouTube and I loved it.

Well, it reminded me of... ME!





Just for fun I'd like to dissect this video...

Right up front, he tells us that his StepMom has agreed to let him go in and "clean" up a room.
As long as doesn't throw anything away. Right.

Been there, done that. I PROMISE he is throwing stuff away that she does not know about. and I say go for it! Just be careful, because if she thinks that even ONE tiny thing of importance got thrown out, it's over! Hoarders never forget... they're like elephants.

Let me interject something of importance here... I like what this guy is trying to do. I can see that he cares about his StepMom. He is keeping a very level head about all this. And that is hard to do, really hard. I am just taking his situation and using it as a comparison to mine. So expect cynicism, not criticism, oh and a healthy dose of sarcasm, and possibly some humor. These are my coping mechanisms. Enough said.

Back to the video...

He mentions "the woman on Oprah"... where do I even begin.

First, have you ever met a hoarder who admitted that they have a problem. I want to know, have you? I just don't know where Oprah gets these people. I will say that it is possible to find a hoarder that will admit there is a problem, but in the next breath they will let you know that it is not their fault. I repeat they believe it is not their fault! So I'm skeptical of these "before and after" magical fix ups that you see on Oprah. I'm not saying that what you see is untrue, but that there just has to be a lot more footage on the cutting room floor, so to speak. I think these shows mean well, they really do (well some of them), but I've done the amazing cleanup. I've repainted, remodeled, and recarpeted my Mom's place. Was she grateful? Not even for a second. I have spent the last 3 years listening to her blame me for every single thing she has been unable to find in "the abyss" (that's what my Dad calls it). She's never been able to find things before in the mess, but now I've given her the perfect excuse...

"Jamie must have thrown it out".

I am so sick of hearing that. I am sick of the phonecalls at all hours pleading with me "Where did you put the [fill in the blank] when you cleaned out the storage room"?

I cleaned out the storage room 5 years ago, and this was yesterday she asked me that. What am I supposed to say?

I'll tell you what I don't say "Mom you live in such a disaster, that there is no possible way that you could have found that in the storage room even before I cleaned it up"! "Never mind that I threw [it] out because it was covered in mice crap and filth, because you wouldn't believe me anyway"! "Because you are CRAZY"!

I really should have taken pictures.

Oh yeah, and it usually only takes about 2 months for my Mom to get the place looking exactly like it did before we cleaned it up.

At the end of the video, he talks about using the Socratic method in reasoning with his StepMom about the mess. He thinks maybe he can lead her to come up with the answers herself. I'm skeptical of this, as with most things having to do with hoarders, BUT I am thinking of trying it out with my Mom. It can't hurt to try something new. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thought for the day... "You can lead a horse to water, but you CAN'T make it drink".

That's all.

Evolution...

You may not believe this (after reading all my previous rants), but I am a positive person. I am a "glass is half full" kinda gal. Often I run into people who are rude or insensitive, sometimes someone else's child is mean to one of my children, bad things happen, and so on. When faced with these things I find myself thinking "They must have had a bad day" or "Maybe a bad life". I always explain to my kids that there is probably a reason that "that kid" was treating them like that, "Maybe", I say "Other's haven't treated them well and they don't know any better". More often then not, I give people the benefit of the doubt.

That is until it comes to my own Mother.

I get so angry with her because of the way I grew up, because of all the things I missed out on, because it seemed like she didn't care.

I can't tell you what a relief I felt the first time I realized that Mom's problem might be a disease, a mental illness, not her fault. My Dad had listened to a radio show where they discussed OCD Hoarding and he sat my Sis and I down and told us about his discovery. I thought for the first time, maybe my Mom does love me more than all the junk piled up in the house. Something in her brain is just keeping her from showing it. I thought , great! Now we know what this is and we can fix it. If only I had known...

what I know now.

It's much harder than you think.

To cure someone of something they do NOT believe they have.

One of the reasons I am writing this blog is because I just know that something good is going to come from it. What I've been hoping and praying for, is that after I get it all out in the open here something in me will change and the anger I have towards this illness my Mother suffers from will dissipate. And I will evolve. Like a caterpillar, I will break out of this cocoon and emerge a strong and beautiful butterfly.

So when I read the response by Ariane Benefit on a previous post I was taken by surprise. Part of what she said practically shouted at me, I mean it might as well have been bolded and in all CAPS. Maybe here is part of my answer...

"This may sound weird, but I often think I was lucky in a weird way to have gotten the worst part of life over when I was young and now in my late 40's it just keeps getting even better. How many people have "idyllic" childhoods and spend the rest of their lives feeling like the best time of their life is behind them? I'd rather be me." Ariane

Thank you Ariane. Thank you for helping me to find something positive in my past. Thank you for helping me to get a little closer to my goal. I still have a ways to go, but for a minute there, I felt like I could fly.

In Case of an Emergency...

My Mom lives in constant fear of "the end of the world as we know it".

No really... she does.

I understand from my research on OCD Hoarding, that most hoarders feel a "need" to save things for later. Because you never know. I mean it's very likely that the day after you throw out that rubberband collection you will find yourself in serious and immediate need of 2000 rubberbands. Same goes for the 100 or so yogurt containers you have been saving... etc. etc.

So it's really no surprise that my Mom has grasped a hold of the whole "national disaster/emergency/end of the world" idea. This is the perfect reason to save just about anything. In theory, just about anything you can think of might be useful in an emergency.

To be fair to my Mom, if there is a disaster/emergency I hope I can make it over to her place. Because that will be her time to shine! Plus she might have something I will need.

Never mind that she lived her whole life in chaos, never making close friendships, subjecting her children to anxiety-ridden lives, and so on and so forth.

It will all be worth it...

living like this. To get this shot (above), I just reached my arm into the room with the camera and pushed the button. There really was no other safe way to do it. This used to be my brothers' room, the bunkbeds are still in there somewhere. Anyways, the boxes and buckets that you can see are filled with food storage items.

And here is the reason my Mom has been bringing over food to store in my extra freezer... This is a BIG freezer and it is completely full! I'm tempted to tell you about the time (last summer) my Sis and I cleaned out her old freezer. But I just ate.

One last pic. This is a view of the closet in my brothers' old room. Also full of food storage. You know what would be nice? It would be nice if when family came home to visit they could actually stay in one of the three extra bedrooms at Mom's place.

That's why I bought a house in the same town as my parents. So that we can have normal family get togethers and people can have a place to stay when they come in from out of town. Don't get me wrong, I like it. I like hosting parties and having guests over, It's what I dreamed of doing my whole life... Escaping the hoard, inviting people over.

But, deep down I know that my Mom would like it too. She loves her family and treasures the times we are all together. She is a sweet and wonderful Grandma.

But she can't (or won't?) let any of her precious "stuff" go. Not gonna' happen. Never, no how, no way. So I just sit here and type, letting my emotions take me where they will. Hoping that someday it will all be better.

And when that emergency strikes, I'm gonna put on my boots and hike up to Mom's place to get a bite to eat and watch her glory in her "preparedness".