Maintenance Free

LONG TIME NO SEE... or even THINK about hoarding.

2011-01-28T13:07:00.000-08:00

It's obviously been quite some time since my last post. I'm not exactly sorry, but do wish to be somewhat apologetic. Let me clarify, I am NOT sorry that I've been ignoring my Mother's hoarding. I am sorry that I haven't been keeping a detailed journal to look back at.

Now let's get on with the reason I am back... it's fascinating.

Christmas day this year brought much joy into the lives of all in our family, and not all in the ways you are probably thinking. My kids got a Wii and they are happy. My husband got a big screen TV and he is happy. Are you wondering what made me SO happy?

My parents had a kitchen fire at their home on Christmas day... A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

Here's the story in a nutshell. Mom was cooking a turkey on the stovetop (boiling it down for soup, I think). My sis dropped by and mentioned she was on her way to my place. A last minute decision was made and Mom hopped in the car to join her, forgetting the stove was on. Several hours later, my parents returned to a house FILLED with smoke and a burned up pot on the stove. By the way, it was REALLY STINKY smoke (something to do with the proteins in the meat?).

Now for the fun, or not so fun, part of the story - depending on your point of view.

At first, Mom thought she could just air out the house for a day or two and all would be well. She then decided to wash all the walls and ceilings with vinegar (don't you know that vinegar cures everything?) This little plan did NOT work out. After a visit to the house and a phone call to the local Disaster Cleanup Services, we let Mom in on the "terrible" news. The smell is not going anywhere. The cleanup is going to be time consuming (the DCS people told us this without even knowing that Mom was a first class hoarder) and costly. They mentioned a lot of things specifically, but I'd like to just point out the one that made me the happiest.

In a fire of this nature, it turns out that plastic items are now considered toxic and must be thrown out. It isn't exactly flattering of myself to admit, but I really enjoyed telling Mom that part. "It looks like your hundreds of empty plastic yogurt containers/peanut butter jars/cool whip containers/lids/useless empty pill bottles/crap/crap/and more crap are all going to have to be thrown out. Along with all those filled with food and herbs that you are hoarding for that "emergency" someday... sniff". (The sniff is me trying to cover my extreme desire to jump up and down with joy with some sign of remorse)

I then made one more phone call and the time for laughing was officially over...

More tomorrow.

OH MY HECK!

2008-09-18T20:44:00.001-07:00

So it turns out hoarding isn't the only obsession my Mom has... not that I'm surprised.

My hubby was watching 20/20 the other day and he kept yelling for me to come down and watch. "You have GOT to see this" he kept saying and something to do with "your Mom". I finally made it downstairs and sat down to watch the program. No it wasn't about hoarding, but I did see something else that might has well have been my Mom. It was just like that time my Dad told me about "the hoarding disease" for the first time and a light went on somewhere in my head.

This was about food... FOOD of all things! The program was all about people who took eating healthy to extremes - you can check it out HERE. It even has a name - Orthorexia.

My Mom is constantly changing her diet to include this or exclude that. I'm not talking about little things either. A couple of days ago she informed me that she was no longer eating meat of any kind, but she had decided (after reading some book or hearing some speech by someone) that she was going to add nuts BACK into her diet (she took them out a while back after reading a different article about how they affected some thing or other in your body). She only eats vegetables now and some fruits. Citrus is out because of some random possible connection to migraines, same with onions. ABSOLUTELY NO SUGAR (I don't really disagree with this one, but I don't think it's managed to cure any of her ailments - real or imagined)! Also, no processed foods - nothing from a box or a bag and no MSG. On top of all this, you need to know that she self-diagnosed herself about 10 yrs or so ago with gluten intolerance - so no wheat or grains of any kind - EVER. Really all it takes is someone mentioning that "this food" might cause migraines, or cancer, or intestinal problems and Mom does a little research to back up the claim (you can find anything on the internet you know) and then it's OUT! She also regularly (yet randomly) goes on "juice fasts". I'm not exactly sure what they are, but I know that she eats absolutely nothing but "juice" (which I think she makes with some veggies, fruits, and possibly some herbs) for at least 10 days. Somehow this is going to rid her body of all the toxins and "bad" stuff she has in her body, thereby curing her (from what? who knows).

I'm constantly amazed at how easy it seems for her to deny herself foods and yet how difficult it is for her to throw away a plastic yogurt container (not that she has any of those anymore because she does NOT eat dairy).

I'm also wondering how it is that she is eating so healthy, yet she never seems to get any better. To me, it seems that her health is only declining.

Personally, I believe that her poor health is directly linked to the hoarding. I can't put my finger on it, but I know it is a major cause of her mysterious ailments. I once told her that if she spent even half as much time researching "hoarding" as a disease, like she does with all her other "medical" issues - then she would be able to actually see the problem and FIND a solution! I mean she can practically starve herself without even thinking twice, but throwing away a piece of paper is like pure torture. WHY IS THAT?

Needless to say, that did NOT go over well (possibly because my Mom does not actually believe that mental issues are real or possibly because she does not actually believe she has a problem).

Here is a direct quote from the 20/20 article "Of course, for some people, spending so much time thinking about health food is no worse than other fanatical obsessions, like hording or compulsive shopping. But orthorexia can really hurt people." I really love how they insinuate that compulsive hoarding and shopping don't "really" hurt people.

Of course they've never met my Mom...

I can't help myself... someone help me!

2008-09-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

Still...

2008-07-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

Is July really half-way over? I apologize for not posting sooner, but my "other" blogs have been getting most of my attention these days. This is a good thing, I think...

So much has changed over the last few weeks, but I think it has all been in my mind - literally.

I'm not so mad at my Mom these days.
I've been having a lot of fun with the kids and focusing less on my bad qualities.
I don't think it's my job to change Mom's hoarding habits (WARNING... this could be a temporary thing).
My life is pretty peaceful right now, I feel like I'm in a good place.

And yet so much has stayed the same...

Mom & Dad are still out of town.
My office desk is still a mess.
I still hate hoarding.
I still can't figure out how other people keep it all together (clean house, organized, etc...).
I'm still trying to find that balance between staying close to and loving my Mom for who she is and keeping keeping my distance from her hoarding and other OCD tendencies.

There is more, but it's late and I need to spend some quality time with my hubby... later!

Transformation...

2008-06-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

My Mom is out of town and I've been avoiding even thinking about her house. Once or twice the thought has crossed my mind to just pop over there and haul out a couple of bags of garbage. She'll never notice... or will she?

Last week when she was still home a bag of garbage came up missing. Seriously! Mom saves all her mail (yes all of it) and sorts it into piles. One of those piles is for anything she thinks may be subject to identity theft (she is absolutely terrified of having this happen to her), this type of mail must be completely destroyed. Anyhoo... this particular bag happened to have some credit card offers and things like that in it. Mom had labeled the bag with a permanent marker with the words "TO BURN" on it and set it somewhere in the piles of junk in the front room. Then just before her trip she noticed it was missing. I have no idea how, but she seems to have some sort of a mental inventory of all that crap filling up the house.

She asked my Dad if he took it. Nope. She asked my brother if he took it. Again, NO! Anyone who lives with my Mother knows better than to touch anything, let alone throw it away - not even garbage. She asked them both at least 20 more times, just to be sure. It was then she started panicking. She kepst nagging my Dad and Brother until my Dad came over to my house to escape (this is when he told me all about it). At this point, Mom had come to the conclusion that someone (a total stranger) must have come into the house and stolen (of all things) that bag! She is almost certain that her identity is being compromised at this very moment. Never mind that it is total lunacy to even think someone would actually have been stupid enough to think that there was something of value to steal in that house. And it is ridiculous to think that somehow they would have gotten past the dogs into the front room. And let's just say that they did, they most certainly would have turned right back around and run out as fast as they could having been overwhelmed by the sheer amount of junk piled up all around them. But let's get back to Mom, who by this time was frantically searching the house, the garbage cans, and any other place that this very important bag of garbage may have been placed.

Several hours later my parents left town having never found the bag and I was left with a surer knowledge that my Mom does not think rationally, or logically, and I hate how these little episodes always leave me feeling like i've lost something too (namely a little piece of my Mom).

I called my sister to talk about it and she told me that Mom was over at her place the other day and took home a bunch of stuff she had thrown out in the garbage... sigh*

Later that evening, another of my brothers (who doesn't live at home anymore) came over to my place for a visit. I started to tell him about the lost bag... he got this look on his face. Oh my gosh, he knows what happened to the bag!

It turns out he took it. He was going camping that evening and saw that the bag said "TO BURN" on it, so naturally he took it and used it to start his campfire.

I made him call my Dad and tell him right then. My parents were still driving to their destination and Mom was so glad to know what had happened to the bag. Except now she is worried that my brother might not have burned all the contents of the bag. She explained how she had important documents (credit card offers) of my sisters (at least now we know why she took trash from my sister's place) and a couple of my brothers all together in that bag and she was just so worried about their identities being stolen along with hers.

So all in all, my Mom was right. Someone did "take" the bag from her house. It doesn't make me feel any better though. In fact, I feel worse. From this whole incident, I learned that my Mom is paranoid to the point of stealing trash out of our (mine and my siblings) garbage cans to "protect" us. I learned that my Mom doesn't think about things rationally (in that she actually believed that someone would steal a bag of garbage from inside her house). And that she is getting worse. Slow as it may seem, time is stealing my "normal" Mom from me.

How long before I don't even know her anymore? When will this "transformation" be complete?

My Precious...

2008-06-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

There is so much of my Mother's story being told in this picture, where to begin...

Let's start with the T.V. You see it there in the middle, all duct taped up? This is a classic example of my Mom's thriftiness (and unwillingness to throw anything out). You probably can't see the holes in the front of it where the buttons have been broken off. We used to have to poke inside those with a pencil to be able to change the channels and change the volume. We had to do this because the remote was always lost (naturally). Fortunately my Mom came up with a solution; she affixed a string to the remote and then superglued it to the armchair! This worked until the batteries ran out and then no one ever got around to replacing them... and then we were back to the pencils.

Now let's take a look at all the videos over on the right side of the pic. See those? These are a testament to my Mom's total addiction to free or almost free deals. Who has videos still? My Mom, of course! Did you know that people are practically giving those things away at yard sales? And my Mom is out there snapping them all up, what a bargain!

Over on the right of the entertainment center are her most "precious" things. These are valued more than most things piled up around the house (if that's possible). How do I know this? They actually have a "place", a permanent spot, if you will. Everything else in the house is subject to churning (moving from one place to another). You would think that I would be happy about these things having a "spot" and all... but I'm not.

These "precious" things are mostly little trinkets brought by different family members from far away places and some treasured keepsakes from my Mom's past. None of them are worth much monetarily (the usual souveneir type junk), but to my Mom they might as well be Faberge eggs. I know that everyone has stuff like this and it's normal to hold things with sentimental value in higher esteem. But these types of things to a hoarder like my Mom can be taken to a whole new level.

Case in point... There are a couple of lovely little nesting dolls from Russia in the case. Naturally the grandkids gravitate towards these, what kid wouldn't? I remember playing with a set of nesting dolls at my Grandma's when I was little. It's a very pleasant memory. Here's what my Mom's grandchildren get to remember: My Mom throwing an absolute tantrum, because the kids got the dolls out (without permission of course - because my Mom would never let them touch them) and one of the smallest dolls (smaller than your thumbnail, I think) got stepped on. Mom went on and on and on about how special these dolls were and how they were absolutely irreplaceable and the kids are NEVER to get into that case... blah... blah... The overall result being that the grandkids now know (just like we did when we were kids) that "things" are more important to grandma then they (the kids) are.

I know my Mom didn't intend for that to be the result. But that's how it is.

That's how it's always been...

It's one of the things that bothers me the most about this "hoarding" disease. It's hard to know where I stand with my Mom. She is such a kind and caring person otherwise that it is difficult to imagine that she actually values the "stuff" filling up her house more than she does her own children. But I've seen her freak out one too many times to not believe it. I'm so confused. I don't know where I fit in to her value system and that hurts.

Just another day...

2008-06-15T14:32:00.000-07:00

It's Father's Day.

My parents live about a minute and a half from my house.

And I haven't even gone over to wish my Dad Happy Father's Day... sigh

I really, really, REALLY, don't want to go over there and have to see the mess.

It's one thing to hear about it (which I have from other family members), it's another thing entirely to have to hang out in it! I know exactly what will happen if we show up on the doorstep...

First Mom will make a whole bunch of excuses as to "why" the house looks the way it does (as if it doesn't ALWAYS look that way). Mostly things like, "Your Father needs to take care of his stuff" (five of the five hundred things in the front room belong to my Dad), or maybe "I haven't been feeling all that well" (which seems to occur every time she even thinks about cleaning), or a favorite of mine, "I've just been so busy cleaning the [fill in the blank] that I haven't had time to clean up in here". Keep in mind that "cleaning" means moving things from one room to another, thus giving one room the appearance of being clean while simultaneously piling things to the ceiling in another. I really hate it when she makes it excuses. I think she really believes what she is saying, and that makes me sad... and mad.

Sometimes, I find myself making excuses. It's ingrained in me. I usually force myself to stop (before I start to sound crazy, I hope). But I digress...

As she is rattling off excuses she will start shuffling things about in a mad rush, moving papers from one surface to another, clearing a couple of spots to sit down. I will hold the baby on my lap because it is too unsafe to let her toddle about in the crap and all the other kids will head outside (thank heavens) to play... wait a minute!

HOLD EVERYTHING!

I haven't been over to Mom's since the seasons changed! It turns out we can go over to see my parents today. You see, when the weather is decent we all sit and visit out in the shade of the tree out front. In the summer and early fall, people visiting my parents don't actually have to be subjected to the mess, the excuse making, the overall craziness! It's peaceful and relaxed, almost normal!

Well, I had better go get the kids ready!

Answers...

2008-06-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

I've been slacking on my posts lately and I'm sorry... sort of.

There is something else you should know about me, something important. You need to know because it's going to affect my posts.

It's really a few things all twisted up into one.

First, for some reason (and it's always been like this for me) I only write in my journal - you know, Dear Diary, blah,blah...- when I am "worked up" about something. It's kind of sad, really, to look back through my half-empty journal and only be able to read about those times in my life. It's just one of my quirks.

Second, I'm not always mad about the hoarding. Seriously! I go in cycles. Every three months or so it just seems to hit me full force. I get really mad at first, my Sis and I talk it over (every day for a couple of weeks). I stalk around, I "purge" (clean out MY house, because I can), sometimes I try to talk to Mom and try to "save" her. And then,after I realize the hopelessness of the situation, the feelings just kind of dissipate. Afterwords, I distance myself from the hoarding - not only physically, but mentally as well. I pretend it doesn't even exist!

Third (and last), I started this blog during one of those aforementioned times. This past week I was in the process of distancing myself, when I realized that maybe this time I shouldn't.

Maybe I feel so split (that whole "double identity" thing), because I am unwilling to blend my two selves together. Does that make sense? When I am focused on the hoarding issues, I don't allow myself to feel happy and lead a normal life. I don't even think of myself in positive terms, it seems I can't do anything right. And when I am done with that and ready to move on, I don't allow myself to acknowlegde the negative influence of my Mom's hoarding and my past.

I ignore it completely, pretend it's all good. Move on with my life for a time.

But it never really goes away. Hence the "cycles".

(I find this all very ironic having just finished reading "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer - read it and you'll see what I mean) I just had to throw that in.

So I'm going to continue to post. And I'm going to face things this time. I'm going to find my peace of mind. I'm going to finish what I've started and figure out the answers. I'm going to...

go clean the kitchen.

Later...

Why indeed...

2008-06-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

Why?

Why, if I don't live there anymore, does my Mother's "mess" bother me so much?

Why do I let her hoarding affect my decision making? i.e. I'd rather throw [any item] out now than end up like my Mother.

Why am I so angry about something I have no control over?

Why doesn't Mom's hoarding seem to affect my brothers like it does my sister and I?

Why can't my Mom share her feelings with me, or anyone else for that matter?

Why did God allow this to happen to our family?

Why is there no cure for hoarding?

Why am I so scared to let people know the truth?

Why am I terrified that my children will somehow "catch" it?

Why do I keep "cleaning out" my Mom's place when I know that it won't last?

Why am I keeping a record of this unpleasant aspect of my life?

Why do I care when it seems that no one else around me does?

Why can't my Mom just be "normal" (if there is such a thing)?

Why can't I find the answers I need to get on with my life?

Why me?

Why this?

Why?

Environ{mentally} conscious...

2008-06-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

(From Wikipedia)
"While there is no definition of compulsive hoarding in accepted diagnostic criteria (such as the current DSM), Frost and Hartl (1996) provide the following defining features:
*The acquisition of, and failure to discard, a large number of possessions that appear to be useless or of limited value
*Living spaces sufficiently cluttered so as to preclude activities for which those spaces were designed
*Significant distress or impairment in functioning caused by the hoarding
*Reluctance or inability to return borrowed items"

Here is an example of the second feature described above...

This is the bathtub/shower in the downstairs bathroom at my parents house...

Needless to say it is unusable and has been for a couple of years now.

In the bathroom upstairs it's a whole different story.

This is a picture of the toilet. Mom says it doesn't flush very well (meaning "not at all"), since calling in a plumber is not an option (too expensive, but what she really means is too embarrassing) - my Mom came up with her own solution!

See the buckets of water in the pictures? There are more in the shower. My mom just uses the water in those to flush the toilet. Another excuse for this is "saving money by reusing the shower water".
Crazy or Genius?

You tell me...

The 3 P's

2008-05-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

I'm heading out of town this weekend (a romantic getaway), YAY! So don't expect any new posts for a couple of days.

I've been contacted by a woman writing a book on helping hoarders. The author is a certified professional organizer. She wrote:

Hi Jamie,

Thanks so much for getting back to me. I am an organizer and have been working "organizing" hoarders since the mid 90's. At the end of the decade I was ready to abandon the effort as hopeless. Then I stumbled onto a process that actually worked. I would not work with them until they were getting emotional support from a therapist who was familar with attachment issues, OCD and hopefully hoarding. Out of the grew a protocol we call "Collaborative Therapy for Clutter Management" - check out my web site to see more about it.

So now I'm co-authoring a book directed at clueing organizers in on the whole complex tangled web of hoarding. I have been so impressed with COH and the work Donna is doing and asked her for some imput for the book. She suggested I throw the topic out to all of you.

Some questions that spring to mind are: (my answers are in green)

1) What would you like the readers to better understand about your experiences growing up in a hoarding household?

2) Do you struggle with the same clutter issues - or are you a perfectionist/purger?
I struggle in SO many different ways, but I think the main things can be summed up with "perfectionist/purger" and let's not forget "procrastinator"! I just call them the 3 P's, let's talk about them.

First, if things aren't perfect and it looks like I'm not going to get them to be perfect - then I just ignore it completely. It's all or nothing with me. For example, I live in an older home which we are remodeling one room at a time. I have no problem keeping the "newly remodeled" rooms clean and organized. But the older rooms are easy for me to ignore because even when they are "clean" they don't look it (old stains, permanently dirty looking trim, etc...). I know I do this and I drive myself crazy, and yet I can't seem to help myself.

Then comes the procrastinating. I let little things go over time ("I'll get to that later" kind of stuff) until they become big things. I let stuff build up over time and then I look around and see that I've got myself quite a mess! (especially paperwork, it's so easy for me to just stick it in the office with the mentality of taking care of it later).

Than comes the purge! This is where I truly separate myself from a hoarder , I can get rid of stuff with the best of 'em! I only learned one way to "clean" when I was growing up, (it was more like a self taught method when I think about it) but it goes like this...

Push/throw everything into a big HUGE pile in the center of the room. I mean everything, empty out drawers, clear every space! This leaves the outer areas clear and gives you a little space to work with (important if you live with a hoarder because there is usually no real assigned place to put anything so you've got to make some). Then you throw away as much as possible and sort through what is left, finding places around the room to put the stuff.

I never consciously realized the aforementioned method until I found myself explaining to my kids the best way to clean their disaster we like to call our playroom the other day. That is the only room in my house that I would ever allow to reach this point, kids will be kids (right?).

3) How can we help to break the cycle of hoarding? What long term support would be most helpful for you and your family?

4) What are your opinions about "shoveling it all out"/abatements, versus our collaborative therapy approach of supporting the clients emotionally, or another process that has made any real lasting change - if you know anything else, let us know!?

5) Family members can be a strong and important element in our support system. How can we maximize that?

Please don't feel you have to answer every question or if you have some idea or insight I haven't hit upon, talk about that. I will be referring to these responses in the book as coming generically from a COH and can make them as anonymous as you like.

Many thanks,
Heidi Schulz

Heidi Schulz, CPO-CD
Collaborative Therapy for Clutter Management
e-mail: info@heidischulz.com
www.heidischulz.com
805/569-5288

I'm still working on the rest of my answers. Right now I've got to get packed, as usual I've waited 'till the last minute!

An unwelcome sight...

2008-05-29T08:30:00.000-07:00

This is pretty much the view you get of the entrance of most of the rooms at Mom's place...

This one happens to be my brothers' old bedroom (the one with all the food storage in it).

More from my sordid past...

2008-05-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

Another "Oldie, but a Goodie" post from my COH group. I posted this on July 28th, 2006, I titled it "Knee deep in it and laughing":

Well, It's begun again... Mom's out of town for a week and we started in on the food storage room yesterday morning. We have been able to keep sane using our sense of humor though. Here is a little list of stuff we have found so far:

-4 dead and decaying mice (more to come judging by the amount of mouse feces covering the floor).
-3 cases of pears canned in 1989 (they were black, but kept their shape).
-2 cases of cherries canned in 1983
-1 case of apricots -1984
-2 cases of grape juice canned in '88 (my sister thinks that's a good year and maybe we should test it out!)
-6 cases (a case consists of 6 #10 cans)
-2 five gallon cans full of powdered milk -dates ranging from 1979-1990
-16-20 metal cans of pineapple juice(the big ones)-two of which were bulging so badly at BOTH ENDS that we were afraid to touch them lest they explode on us!
-Hundreds of cans of expired food -everything from spaghettio's to green beans.
-About 60 bottles of vitamins & health supplements - all expired by1998.
-Hundreds of bags and boxes of everything from cake mixes to elbow macaroni, we didn't even have to look at the dates, they were all mice-infested!
-The most disturbing thing that we found was that my Mom (who has always marked the dates of when she buys something on the cans or boxes with a black permanent marker) had been going back through the cans she could find one bag at a time AND CHANGING THE DATES to newer dates!!!! We discovered this through a little simple detective work (why are these smudged and written over?) and because in some cases the dates written were later than the best by date on the bottom of the can.
-We also found about 12 cases of food storage bought from a company in 1980, the shelf life is clearly written to be 15 years maximum for some of the products and 9 years max for the rest, so here we are 26 years later throwing it out!

The irony of all of this is my Mom is always complaining that she never has enough room in her food storage room and that is why there are cases and bags of food all over the rest of the house. She also claims that there is a system in the food storage room and we just don't know her way of organization -LOL!!!
We have already filled the driveway with at least 2 truck loads of stuff to go to the dump and if a normal person took a look in the storage room they wouldn't believe it all came out of there
because there are still boxes piled right to the ceiling with only a u-shaped path throughout it.

Well, give me an hour and I'll be back over there for round two! I hope my Mom is having a nice vacation, because she is going to freak out when she gets home! Until tomorrow, Jamie

P.S. Where is this weirdest thing our parents hoarded contest? My sister reminded me that when we did the cleanout 3 yrs ago we found hair from all our haircuts she ever gave us in our lives, in little baggies with dates and names labeled on them. The weirdest one being from a haircut our 21 yr old brother received before leaving the country. I bet he had no idea that Mom was going to sweep up all that hair off the floor, bag it, date it, and label it for all future generations to cherish!!! Just a note: it was interesting seeing the color changes our hair had gone through over the years - BUT NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH FOR US TO KEEP IT!

My next post was on August 1st, 2006 and I titled it "Not laughing anymore"...

Here's an update on our cleanout. Well, by Saturday morning we were ready to give up. We had loaded up 5 full truck loads to the dump and there were still stacks nearly touching the ceiling in the storage room. It was very depressing to not see much change after 2 and 1/2 days of backbreaking work, but we perservered and somehow got it all out by the afternoon.

The final count on dead mice only reached 8 (surprising) but I'm confident there are at least 20 more in the walls and heating vents. I did find about 25 lbs of split peas from my birth year (1976) and a lot more gross stuff, but the fire in me is gone and I don't have the energy to recount it all.

Mom got home last night and there was a calm before the storm for about 2 hrs, then it all broke loose. I'll probably never hear the end of this one bucket of honey that we threw out (because it had a deep crack in the lid and was covered in mice feces). Mom said we could have scraped off the top layer of honey and ate it anyway. She also said we never should have thrown out ANY food, regardless of expiration dates, because she could have hauled it down to my grandpa's farm (6hrs away) and FED IT TO THE PEACOCKS!!!!

This is where I start to feel myself detaching, I can't stand to watch the craziness come out in her. She actually believes these illogical excuses she comes up with!

After I lay down to go to sleep last night, I remembered when I was growing up and I would clean my room out - I would bag up all the garbage and take it to the outside trash can and just pray Mom didn't know. Then the next day when I would come home from school I would see the broken pencil stub I had thrown out on the kitchen counter and know that nothing actually made it out of the house. Mom would tell me how wasteful I was and how the mess was all my fault and not hers. You know, I am grateful that as an adult I can see through all the excuses, but I can't help but wondering if I would have had a happier childhood if I hadn't believed all the crap she told me. Well, tomorrow's a new day and I'm sure my Mom will start out by calling me and freaking out about the powdered milk I threw out from 1979. Later....

In case you were wondering, we haven't done a cleanout since then. I think my Dad was too scared that she might have a nervous breakdown or some other psychotic episode. In fairness, it was a scary time to be around Mom for a while there.

She is still mad about that bucket of honey I threw out. I get to hear about it on a regular basis.

Mom is going out of town again for a few weeks this summer and she wants us to replace the floors upstairs - Hallelujah!

Of course she doesn't realize just what she is asking of us... IT'S CLEAN OUT TIME!

I will be documenting this one with pictures and will keep you all updated.

Heaven and Hell...

2008-05-26T23:26:00.000-07:00

I want to try something a little different today.

I'm going to tell you about my Mom. But it's not what you're thinking...

I want you to know a little more about her than the one aspect, hoarding, for which I have dedicated this blog.

I want you to see that hoarders are people too. There is more to them than just the mess that you can see.

My Mom is kind, in fact she's just plain sweet. She's one of those people who others would find it difficult to dislike. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body.

She is honest. In fact, she refuses to lie. It's funny when she is trying to keep a secret (like what she is giving you for your birthday or something along those lines) if you confront her, she gets this deer in the headlights look and tries to avert the question. It makes me laugh every time.

If you need something my Mom will drop everything to take care of you. In a crisis, she is the person to have around.

She is an amazing Grandma. She goes out of her way to make all her grandchildren feel special. When she babysits, she has a special bag filled with things for the kids and they LOVE it.

My Mom is very religious. She is a big believer in prayer and I have seen her prayers work miracles. She is never short on faith.

When I was growing up, my Mom stayed home to be with us kids. She baked homemade bread and she sewed our clothes to save money. My Dad was a schoolteacher and never made a lot of money, but we always managed because my Mom was determined to do what she felt was right in raising her children. I admire her courage and respect her decision as I now look back with a new perspective as a mother myself.

There is so much more that I can't put on this page, but I just wanted you to see that hoarders are not bad people.

Of course, that just makes it all the more confusing growing up the way I did..

You see it don't you? The problem?

Here is this practically angelic mother trying to teach us about honesty and other important life lessons, trying her very best to give us everything she felt we needed, all the while living in an environment that can only be described as hellish.

And therein lies the issue...

A picture of the kitchen counter... or maybe it's more a picture of what's on the kitchen counter.

It's all about your point of view...

2008-05-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating what to post today and I'm having difficulties. Not because I'm having trouble coming up with anything to write about. On the contrary, I just have so much in my head I'm finding it difficult to sort out just one topic.

My sister and I talk daily. Not always about hoarding (thank goodness), but it does come up quite a bit as we are both working our way through the issues that come with growing up the way we did.

I always find it interesting that she and I see things so differently. We can be discussing the same incident in our past and find that it affected us each in a different way.

For example, I "like" to go in and do the clean outs at Mom's (when she isn't there). When I see the huge mess in front of me and I know that the one obstacle to clearing it is out of the way (my Mom), I feel energized! I dig in and as I throw things out, I feel purged, refreshed...

I just feel good. I know that as the clean up goes on I will tire of it, but I will use humor to get past that. I know that eventually my Mom will come home and freak out and just end up messing it all up again, but I feel justified. I feel like I've made a difference.

On the other hand, my Sister (whom I always drag there to be with me) looks at it and she feels something else entirely. Anxiety starts to kick in, she starts to panic she says she wants to scream and cry and never come back again. She starts to feel hate towards my Mom and the way we were raised. She always says she can't take it and swears she will never do it again.

It happens that way every time and I just don't get it. But I guess, she doesn't get me, either.

I think it's interesting that we were raised in the same house, with the same mother, and for the most part (we are just two years apart) experienced the same things. Yet, we ended up so unalike. That's not to say that we don't have similarities, because we do. But we each reacted differently to the hoard.

And that's made all the difference.

I'm toying with the idea of recording our phone conversations on hoarding and posting them on here weekly (with my Sister's permission). I just haven't figured out how to make that work yet.

Avoidance...

2008-05-23T12:29:00.000-07:00

I've caught a nasty bug and have spent most of the day in bed, so this post will be short and to the point.

Quote of the day...

"Along with difficulties in throwing things away, compulsive hoarders have severe difficulties with making decisions, perfectionism, and avoiding tasks.People with compulsive hoarding syndrome do not like to make mistakes. In order to prevent making a mistake, they will avoid making or postpone decisions."-Karron Maidment RN, M.A.Behavior Therapist-UCLA OCD,Intensive Treatment Program

Picture of the day... my Mom's office.

Ancient History...

2008-05-22T09:29:00.001-07:00

This is a copy of my very first post on the Children of Hoarders private yahoo group. I posted it on July 5th, 2006:

Hi, I am new to this site. I've known for the last few years that my Mom has this "hoarding" sickness. She's always had it, it was just a few years ago that my Dad heard a radio show describing the symptoms and we gave my Mom's mess a name. Anyways, about 3 years ago my Mom went out of town for a couple of months... Can you guess what we did while she was away? That's right, we cleaned! We removed over 60 large truckloads of stuff to the dump and goodwill. Keep in mind this is about a 1600 sq. ft home (not big). We found out what color the carpet was downstairs, my brothers at home were able to use the shower upstairs for the first time in their lives, all the cupboards, drawers, and doors were actually able to close,and we were even able to get into one of the forbidden rooms (had to break the lock) and climb over mountains of papers and old bills,ads, etc... We found skeletons of mice, moldy food and other gross things in every room. We organized what was left and this took forever, because knowing my Mom's issues and wanting to be thorough not random, we had to sort through EACH and EVERY item in the house before throwing it out. I foolishly thought that this way I would be able to assure my mother that nothing precious was lost!!!! For about a month, it was heaven at home... My brothers had friends over for the first time in their lives. We ate in the kitchen -together! We didn't have to hold our breath in the bathrooms. We even remodeled one bathroom and replaced all the carpet downstairs. Any and all repairs that had been waiting "for the house to be clean" so someone could come take a look, were taken care of. Then my Mom came home from her vacation. She seemed calm and happy at first, then about 2 weeks later she freaked! She called me everyday ranting about this or that thing which she was sure I had thrown out. Within a month it looked as if we had never cleaned. Now 3yrs later, the phone calls have slowed but the blame has never gone away. Until the day she dies, my Mother will blame the loss of every little thing on me (because it was my idea, I have all the blame, my siblings have even tried to tell her that they were there too - but she only blames me) My Dad actually thinks it's funny now and has managed to turn this to his advantage many a time something went missing he has said "Jamie must have thrown it out". This is even more funny considering that it was something bought or acquired AFTER the "purge"! Humor is our only defense against this disease or whatever it is and has gotten us this far. Well, enough rambling I hope you have gotten this far in the message because here's where I need a little advice. My Dad was over yesterday and said he is taking Mom away for a week. You see where I'm going with this? My sister and I plan on taking on the one room we never dared set foot,not even 3 yrs ago, the food storage room. There is food as old as I am (30) in there. We have never dared go there before because my Mom hoards food storage and emergency items (for the end of the world or some foretold catastrophic event) religiously. This is the BIG one for her, when the earthquake or whatever it is comes she will be ready! The only problem is, the food will probably kill her it is so old and bug/rodent infested. That's the main reason we are going in now, my Dad says there is a serious mice infestation going on down there and it needs to be taken care of. My mom's health is connected with the mess somehow and lately she hasn't been doing to well. This is why I'm a little worried about doing this, what could happen to her? Could she have a mental breakdown? She always wants me to "help" her clean, but on her terms - I always refuse because that's when she exhibits all her CRAZY symptoms and nothing ever actually gets cleaned, just moved to another place in the house. HELP!

Back to the present. Here's somthing of interest... my Mom still blames me for any and every little thing she cannot find, whether real or imagined.

I've gotten used to it.

What I haven't gotten used to is realizing my Mom is "different". I really try not to use the "crazy" word (it slips out when I get really heated though), I don't really feel comfortable using that word to describe mental illness anymore. And part of me worries that I might be "crazy" too. I mean I've watched my Mom gradually fall deeper into this condition, and I look around and see my messy office and wonder if, any 30 years, I won't end up just like that.

Then I remember that my Sister and I have a pact. If either one of us starts to exhibit symptoms of "hoarding", the other will intervene. My sister told me that her form of intervention will probably include burning my house down when I'm not home... NICE! But, also something I've dreamed about happening to my Mom's place.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT, but hey a girl can dream.

Ummm, where was I? Oh yeah, I've got a whole little intervention plan worked out in the event that my Sis turns to the darkside. But, that's for another day...

Sticky Situation...

2008-05-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

I just saw this on YouTube and I loved it.

Well, it reminded me of... ME!

Just for fun I'd like to dissect this video...

Right up front, he tells us that his StepMom has agreed to let him go in and "clean" up a room.
As long as doesn't throw anything away. Right.

Been there, done that. I PROMISE he is throwing stuff away that she does not know about. and I say go for it! Just be careful, because if she thinks that even ONE tiny thing of importance got thrown out, it's over! Hoarders never forget... they're like elephants.

Let me interject something of importance here... I like what this guy is trying to do. I can see that he cares about his StepMom. He is keeping a very level head about all this. And that is hard to do, really hard. I am just taking his situation and using it as a comparison to mine. So expect cynicism, not criticism, oh and a healthy dose of sarcasm, and possibly some humor. These are my coping mechanisms. Enough said.

Back to the video...

He mentions "the woman on Oprah"... where do I even begin.

First, have you ever met a hoarder who admitted that they have a problem. I want to know, have you? I just don't know where Oprah gets these people. I will say that it is possible to find a hoarder that will admit there is a problem, but in the next breath they will let you know that it is not their fault. I repeat they believe it is not their fault! So I'm skeptical of these "before and after" magical fix ups that you see on Oprah. I'm not saying that what you see is untrue, but that there just has to be a lot more footage on the cutting room floor, so to speak. I think these shows mean well, they really do (well some of them), but I've done the amazing cleanup. I've repainted, remodeled, and recarpeted my Mom's place. Was she grateful? Not even for a second. I have spent the last 3 years listening to her blame me for every single thing she has been unable to find in "the abyss" (that's what my Dad calls it). She's never been able to find things before in the mess, but now I've given her the perfect excuse...

"Jamie must have thrown it out".

I am so sick of hearing that. I am sick of the phonecalls at all hours pleading with me "Where did you put the [fill in the blank] when you cleaned out the storage room"?

I cleaned out the storage room 5 years ago, and this was yesterday she asked me that. What am I supposed to say?

I'll tell you what I don't say "Mom you live in such a disaster, that there is no possible way that you could have found that in the storage room even before I cleaned it up"! "Never mind that I threw [it] out because it was covered in mice crap and filth, because you wouldn't believe me anyway"! "Because you are CRAZY"!

I really should have taken pictures.

Oh yeah, and it usually only takes about 2 months for my Mom to get the place looking exactly like it did before we cleaned it up.

At the end of the video, he talks about using the Socratic method in reasoning with his StepMom about the mess. He thinks maybe he can lead her to come up with the answers herself. I'm skeptical of this, as with most things having to do with hoarders, BUT I am thinking of trying it out with my Mom. It can't hurt to try something new. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thought for the day... "You can lead a horse to water, but you CAN'T make it drink".

That's all.

Evolution...

2008-05-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

You may not believe this (after reading all my previous rants), but I am a positive person. I am a "glass is half full" kinda gal. Often I run into people who are rude or insensitive, sometimes someone else's child is mean to one of my children, bad things happen, and so on. When faced with these things I find myself thinking "They must have had a bad day" or "Maybe a bad life". I always explain to my kids that there is probably a reason that "that kid" was treating them like that, "Maybe", I say "Other's haven't treated them well and they don't know any better". More often then not, I give people the benefit of the doubt.

That is until it comes to my own Mother.

I get so angry with her because of the way I grew up, because of all the things I missed out on, because it seemed like she didn't care.

I can't tell you what a relief I felt the first time I realized that Mom's problem might be a disease, a mental illness, not her fault. My Dad had listened to a radio show where they discussed OCD Hoarding and he sat my Sis and I down and told us about his discovery. I thought for the first time, maybe my Mom does love me more than all the junk piled up in the house. Something in her brain is just keeping her from showing it. I thought , great! Now we know what this is and we can fix it. If only I had known...

what I know now.

It's much harder than you think.

To cure someone of something they do NOT believe they have.

One of the reasons I am writing this blog is because I just know that something good is going to come from it. What I've been hoping and praying for, is that after I get it all out in the open here something in me will change and the anger I have towards this illness my Mother suffers from will dissipate. And I will evolve. Like a caterpillar, I will break out of this cocoon and emerge a strong and beautiful butterfly.

So when I read the response by Ariane Benefit on a previous post I was taken by surprise. Part of what she said practically shouted at me, I mean it might as well have been bolded and in all CAPS. Maybe here is part of my answer...

"This may sound weird, but I often think I was lucky in a weird way to have gotten the worst part of life over when I was young and now in my late 40's it just keeps getting even better. How many people have "idyllic" childhoods and spend the rest of their lives feeling like the best time of their life is behind them? I'd rather be me." Ariane

Thank you Ariane. Thank you for helping me to find something positive in my past. Thank you for helping me to get a little closer to my goal. I still have a ways to go, but for a minute there, I felt like I could fly.

In Case of an Emergency...

2008-05-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

My Mom lives in constant fear of "the end of the world as we know it".

No really... she does.

I understand from my research on OCD Hoarding, that most hoarders feel a "need" to save things for later. Because you never know. I mean it's very likely that the day after you throw out that rubberband collection you will find yourself in serious and immediate need of 2000 rubberbands. Same goes for the 100 or so yogurt containers you have been saving... etc. etc.

So it's really no surprise that my Mom has grasped a hold of the whole "national disaster/emergency/end of the world" idea. This is the perfect reason to save just about anything. In theory, just about anything you can think of might be useful in an emergency.

To be fair to my Mom, if there is a disaster/emergency I hope I can make it over to her place. Because that will be her time to shine! Plus she might have something I will need.

Never mind that she lived her whole life in chaos, never making close friendships, subjecting her children to anxiety-ridden lives, and so on and so forth.

It will all be worth it...

living like this. To get this shot (above), I just reached my arm into the room with the camera and pushed the button. There really was no other safe way to do it. This used to be my brothers' room, the bunkbeds are still in there somewhere. Anyways, the boxes and buckets that you can see are filled with food storage items.

And here is the reason my Mom has been bringing over food to store in my extra freezer... This is a BIG freezer and it is completely full! I'm tempted to tell you about the time (last summer) my Sis and I cleaned out her old freezer. But I just ate.

One last pic. This is a view of the closet in my brothers' old room. Also full of food storage. You know what would be nice? It would be nice if when family came home to visit they could actually stay in one of the three extra bedrooms at Mom's place.

That's why I bought a house in the same town as my parents. So that we can have normal family get togethers and people can have a place to stay when they come in from out of town. Don't get me wrong, I like it. I like hosting parties and having guests over, It's what I dreamed of doing my whole life... Escaping the hoard, inviting people over.

But, deep down I know that my Mom would like it too. She loves her family and treasures the times we are all together. She is a sweet and wonderful Grandma.

But she can't (or won't?) let any of her precious "stuff" go. Not gonna' happen. Never, no how, no way. So I just sit here and type, letting my emotions take me where they will. Hoping that someday it will all be better.

And when that emergency strikes, I'm gonna put on my boots and hike up to Mom's place to get a bite to eat and watch her glory in her "preparedness".

If it ain't broke...

2008-05-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

I finally made it over to Mom's to get the long awaited photos. I have to say I feel a little guilty about sneaking around behind her back.

But only a little...

I told myself it's therapeutic.

I hope it is.

I'm just going to start out slow with this. A couple of pictures at a time is probably all I can handle.

Here we have a typical drawer in the kitchen. This one happens to be the utensil drawer. Some interesting facts about this particular drawer:

1. It is actually much cleaner than I've seen it in years. I wonder where the rest of the silverware is being stored.

2. This drawer is never closed. Did I say never? Good. Because this drawer is never closed. Well, once after my Sis and I did a "clean up" we closed it. But as soon as Mom got back from her vacation it got opened right back up.

3. Because it is actually broken as well as always open, the cupboard door below it must also be open to prop it up. As seen in this picture... (same drawer, different angle)

4. I think it broke about 15 years ago...

5. Mom's rationale is that since my Dad is such an "unhandy" guy and she just never has the money to pay those overpriced proffesionals, this is just how she has to live. With a broken drawer propped open for 15 years... yeah right.

This is another drawer in the kitchen. Same problem, same solution.

Oh yeah, and same excuses...

It's a little harder to see the drawer in this shot. Just look really close... there you see it?

O.K. So here's my take on this little "situation". Yes, the drawers are broken. No one is denying that my Dad isn't the greatest at fixing things. Maybe the professionals ARE overpriced...

BUT SERIOUSLY!!! Normal people don't live like this... do they? What's really going on here is the fact that the drawers are actually too stuffed full of crap to actually function and when they finally broke, my Mom found the perfect excuse for not closing them again, EVER. Whew... what a relief that must have been for her. Now she can blame it on my Dad's poor fix-it skills.

To be fair to my Mom, I don't think that she consciously realizes that this is what she is doing. It's just another way the "hoarding" has taken over her otherwise pleasant personality.

Of course that doesn't mean that you (or I) could point this out to her and she would see the logic. No, she has her own logic and part of that is that she is never wrong. Hoarders (at least in my experience) can talk their way out of anything. But that's another subject for another day!

Hidden Danger...

2008-05-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

Did you know it's dangerous to read stranger's blogs? Not dangerous as in "watch out, you might hurt yourself" or "someone crazy is going to hunt you down and.."

O.k. maybe dangerous isn't even the word i'm looking for.

What I'm trying to get at is that reading people's blogs that you don't even know (and even people you do know) gives you a false sense of reality. You read what they write, see the pictures they post and you think you know them. You think that perfect little world that you are witnessing really exists. Those happy smiling faces staring out from the computer screen say it all.

And then you start to ask yourself... why am I not like that? Should I be more like that? What am I doing wrong? You find yourself making comparisons... and when you do this, you cannot win.

Because no one really tells it how it is. Sure they might tell you about the mess the kids made and they might talk about sleepless nights and unfolded laundry, but the tales are usually told with just a hint of humor. And there are always the pictures, and the pictures "never" lie.

Nobody puts bad pictures on their blogs (o.k. the pictures may be bad -as in poor quality - but you get what i'm saying). Because a picture really is worth a thousand words. The hundred or so words they used to describe their "terrible" day is always followed up with, or sandwiched between pictures of smiling children, laughing parents, and always in the background are snippets of clean houses.

Yes, I notice these things... so do you. I just do it consciously and you probably do it subconsciously. It's funny because growing up my Mom took lots of pictures. And I look at them and smile knowingly. Not because of what you can see, but because of what you can't see. You can't see that just out of the frame is a pile of junk that just got pushed a little higher so it wouldn't be in the picture. You look at us in the picture with our cute smiling faces and our flushed cheeks and you presume we just took a break from our play to pose for the camera. What you don't know is the fact that we just spent the last 5 minutes making a small space near the curtains or wall presentable enough for the picture. As a result, most of the pictures we have (at least inside) are posed. We don't have any of those spontaneous "oh that's so cute, I had better get out the camera" moments (at least not inside anyway).

You see, even at a young age, I was being taught that the way I lived wasn't acceptable to others. So I pushed the piles out of the way and I posed for the camera. And that's how it still is. Although the piles aren't there in a literal sense, I still have to push them out of the way and make my self presentable to others. I feel like a fraud...

Double Identity...

2008-05-16T08:29:00.000-07:00

In the interest of time (and because I still need to get over to Mom's and take those pics), I am going to copy a post I left on my Children of Hoarders message board a while ago. I feel that it is the most accurate description of my daily life that I can give you right now...

March 20th, 2008
My sister and I were trying to talk through some of our issues as children of a serious hoarder the other day and we came upon something we hadn't consciously realized before. We both realized that we have similar problems with our "true identity". For example, let's say someone knocks on my front door, I instinctively feel that familiar panic - oh no someone's here. Then I remember, I don't live with Mom anymore (relief), next I look around and see that things actually look O.K. (not perfect, so I'll stress a little about it later -but no way in H*LL am I going to make up random excuses and look like my Mom) so I let the "someone" in and have a little visit or whatever. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Here's the kicker though, after the visitor leaves I am RELIEVED that they didn't see the "REAL ME". Even though I'm not a hoarder like my Mother and I don't save stupid things like yogurt containers by the hundreds and I'm probably only as messy as a "normal" mother of 4 little ones, I don't feel normal. Rather, I am counting my lucky stars that the visitor came on a good day.

A lot of the time I feel as though I am watching my life happening from across the room, like I shouldn't be allowed to live that normal part. If someone compliments me on my beautiful home and how I have done such a great job decorating it, I thank them, but secretly I know that it's just luck it looks that way and thank goodness they don't know the truth about me (which is what??? That I have unfolded laundry downstairs and that makes me a bad person?), why can't I just live my life now? I don't know if this is making any sense at all to you, but when my sis and I were discussing it, we were floored that we both felt the same way...which is that we are sort of living two lives all the time, and the good one (the one where things get done and are organized and we are smart capable women) is the one that feels like a sham.

I just feel that I am always on the verge of being "found out". I feel that "nice things" are not my right or privilege, like I don't deserve them really. So if I happen to have nice things, it feels as if I am just borrowing them or maybe just visiting - like at a hotel or someone else's home. If I manage to get some organization in my own home, deep down I know that it will never last and so I can't enjoy it for what it is (everyday life)-instead I focus on the mess that must inevitabely follow and how will I ever keep up...

Thanks for dropping by! Just a quick note: I have been receiving emails from people who would like my permission to put this blog on their blogroll and I say go ahead! Since this is my "secret" blog (at this point I haven't even told my hubby about it) I have been unsure about how to get it out there for people to read. But it seems to be working all the same!

Just the facts, please...

2008-05-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

First, I know the blog is a little visually challenged right now (alright, it's just plain BORING to look at)! But I have a plan to fix that... my Mom is going out of town for the weekend and I am going to sneak over and take some pictures of the hoard. I plan on taking LOTS of pictures and using them as "visual aids" in my upcoming posts. Cross your fingers that the key she gave me to the house still works, on second thought maybe we should all say a prayer! No really, I may need the help of a higher power, I've seen the bucket she pulled it from and there were at least 50 keys in it! Of course she doesn't know what they are all for, just that they might be to something important. Like the car that has been broken down in the driveway for the last four years. But I digress...
Second, I apologize for my polling options over on the right side of your screen. I really had no idea that the second one would be cut off right at that point, thus implying that you are a child of a hoar... well it just looks kind of funny doesn't it? Apparently it is unchangeable after votes have been cast, so I guess I will get to look at it for the next 3 months!

Now on to today's post... A little background that will help you to understand me, if that's possible.

My Mother is the hoarder in our family. She lives at home with my father and their 2 dogs. Oh and my 18 yr old brother (although he will be spending the summer with me). There are 6 six children in our family (including me).

My Mom's parents and all 4 of her siblings suffer from obsessive compulsive hoarding to some degree.

I am NOT a hoarder, but I struggle to cope with most daily cleaning and organizational tasks, as well as major identity/self esteem issues.

My sister may be hoarder, we are working through this (she and I talk daily, she will be the first one I tell about this site when I'm ready).

I am 31 years old and have been out of my Mother's house since the age of 17. I am married to a wonderfully supportive man and we have 4 beautiful children (please, please don't let me screw them up).

I mistakenly thought that when I moved out of my mother's home, my problems would be solved. Like a bad dream, it would all disappear as I carved out my own life -free of the mess and the craziness! The thing is, it never goes away. It haunts me every day of my life as I struggle to make sense of even the simplest of tasks. It is always there, tainting each of my accomplishments. Lurking deep inside, letting me know that no matter what parts of me I show to everyone else, that no matter how fabulous I may seem to others the fact remains that I'm NOT. And I never will be... unless I can make peace with it.

So what is It? It is Obsessive Compulsive Hoarding Disorder. I don't even suffer from it and yet, it is ruining my life.

That's my life... in a nutshell. A really small nutshell.

Shhhh... don't tell

2008-05-13T10:07:00.001-07:00

There is a part of my life I keep secret. It’s not a fun secret either (I’m no Hanna Montana) my secret is more complicated than just a double life. Wanna know what it is? Wait, I’m not ready to tell -and yet… I am. I’m tired of keeping this secret. I need to vent, to share, to open up, to SCREAM, and… I need validation. Maybe I’m not crazy, maybe I’m not alone, maybe, just maybe there are others like me who are keeping the same secret. O.K. I’m definitely being a little overdramatic here, and also a little untruthful. I happen to know already that there are others who suffer as I do. I found an online support group a while back and every now and then I get on and vent. The thing is, the group is prohibited to outsiders. Only people possessing the same secret are allowed, this makes it a nice safe, comfortable environment for us to share with each other. And I like it, I need it, sometimes I crave it (does that make me crazy?), just knowing that there are others out there who suffer as I do makes me feel more "normal". And believe me the people are like me - A LOT like me, and like me they hide their secret from those around them. Sometimes when I am reading one of their posts I have to keep glancing down to see the author, because I could have sworn it was written by me.

What I really want to know is what would happen if the so called “normal” people really knew about me (about people like me) and my struggles with this “secret”. What if everyday, run of the mill people could "walk a mile in our shoes"? What if they delved a little deeper than those so called television specials that highlight people's secrets for shock value, for the fabulous quick fix, for the before and after (but not really after) so we can boost our ratings factor.

So I'm starting this blog to write about my secret. I have another blog, it’s the one about my “real” life - the hubby, the kids, the daily grind of motherhood. It’s for my family, my friends, the in-laws, and people from my past who might want to see me now. That blog is about letting people who know me see my wonderful life. It is for everyone to look and say "Hey, she still looks good, I can't believe she's had four kids" and "What a lovely little life she has carved out for herself". Oh and let's not forget "Everything she does looks so perfect, I wish I could be her". Of course I'm not telling any of those people about this blog... not yet anyway. This blog will be reserved solely for my secret, how to cope daily with it, how to overcome it (if that's even remotely possible), and most importantly how to merge my two selves into one well adjusted, comfortable in my own shoes kind of self! It should be an interesting sojourn, and I long for some company. Please feel free to join me.

Oh yeah, oops... I almost forgot to tell you my secret, here goes [me taking a deep breath] ...
I grew up as a child of an obsessive compulsive hoarder and I struggle daily with many, many insecurities and leftover issues.

Yes, just like those "crazy" people you've seen on Oprah. I'm one of them, or rather I'm a product of one of them. This is about me and my so called "double" life. I think I'll leave it at that for today, I need a little space (something I didn't get much of as a child).